Joe Smith starts the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in China), for 600 A.M.

While his coffee pot (made in China) is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in China).

He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).

After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico), how much he can spend today.

After setting his watch (made in Switzerland) to the radio (made in China), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany) and goes looking - as he has been for months - for a good paying American job.

At the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to relax for a while.

He puts on a pair of sandals (made in China), pours himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan)...

... and ponders again why he can't find a good paying American job.

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Three surgeons are discussing patients they have operated on:

1st Surgeon: "I like operating on the French, when you open them up, all their parts are beautifully arranged and go back together perfectly no matter how you replace them."

2nd Surgeon: "I like operating on Germans, when you open them up, all the parts are numbered and they are easy to replace."

3rd Surgeon: "I like operating on Americans because the asshole and mouth are interchangeable!"

This is what we wanted in Europe:

Swiss salary.
Luxembourg taxes.
German car.
British home.
Spanish girls.
French wine.
Italian food.
Belgian beer.
Austrian mountains.
Danish administration.

And this was the EC's proposal for a Europe after EMU:

Czech salary.
Swedish taxes.
Spanish car.
Belgian home.
Greek girls.
German wine.
British food.
French beer.
Dutch mountains.
Italian administration.

Apparently, when we joined the EMU, the term 'spending a penny' was replaced by 'euronating'.

Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary.

Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long, either. Venice lunch ready?

Waitress: I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix?

Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza bit?

Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for her Wales.

Gent: I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.

Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to Serbia.

Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me. There's an Eire. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am!

Waitress: Canada noise! I don't Caribbean. You sure Ararat!

Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice!

Waitress: Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in  the neck. Pay your Czech and don't Kuwait. Ayssinia!

Gent (to himself): I'll come back with my France and Taiwan on Zanzibar is open.

THE TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the cynicism of winning the world cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat gourmet food like horse, snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allowing Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride doesn't faze you.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just poop in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :

1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth. When you're not at all.

TOP 12 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :

1. Glorious history of killing North American tribes.
2. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah.
3. Warm beer.
4. Punctuality.
5. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
6. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
7. Union jack underpants.
8. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
9. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
10. Ditto changing underwear.
11. Beats being Welsh.
12. Or Scottish.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 A.D.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. World's greatest Motorcycles.
10. World's greatest Cars.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :

1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :

1. Oktoberfest.
2. Wonderful sense of humour.
3. Oktoberfest.
4. World's largest manufacturer of beach towels.
5. Oktoberfest.
6. Sausages.
7. Oktoberfest.
8. Oktoberfest.
9. Oktoberfest.
10. Innate pacifism.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING MEXICAN :

1. Nachos.
2. Tacos.
3. Burritos.
4. Fajitas.
5. Quesadillas.
6. Tamales.
7. Chimichangas.
8. Rellenos.
9. Flautas.
10. Corona.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:

1. You've got to be kidding, right?!?!?!?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :

1. Guinness.
2. Free labour - 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex   with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember (or remind you of) the night before.
7. Stew (made with Guinness).
8. More Guinness.
9. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
10. Guinness

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :

1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a thieving bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals (politicians only?)
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

TOP for More Humour

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