An American is at a restaurant one morning having his coffee and a
croissant with jam, when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him. The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.
Canadian: "Do you Americans eat the whole bread, eh?"
American): "Of course we do."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only eat
what's inside, eh. The crusts are collected in a container, recycled into
croissants, and sold to America, eh."
The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread, eh?"
American: "Of Course we do."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't,
eh. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
and sell the jam to America, eh."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do, eh", the Canadian says with a big smirk on
his face.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, eh."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to Canada."
A Canadian and an American were hunting
in Canadian woods when an Indian runs across the field and the Canadian
shoots him in the back and kills him. "You can't do that!" cried the
American. "No, no, it's legal here in Canada" replies the Canadian.
Later that night the American goes and buys some beer and puts it on the
roof of his truck to open the door. Just then an Indian runs by, grabs the
beer, and runs away. The American thinks "No problem" and he shoots him in
the back and kills him. As he is getting his beer the police come and
arrest him. "But I thought it was legal to shoot Indians here in Canada!"
protests the American.
"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."
Dear Diary:
Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so
beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them
with snow covering them.
Oct. 14 - Canada... it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves
have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride
through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful.
Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be
paradise. I love it here!
Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone
wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it
here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with
white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off
the steps and shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won).
When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a
beautiful place. I love Canada!
Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the
driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to
work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shovelling. Blasted snow
plough.
Dec. 22 - More of that white muck fell last night. I've got blisters on my
hands and a sore back from shovelling. I think the snow plough hides
around the corner until I'm done shovelling the driveway. Asshole.
Dec. 25 - Merry Blasted Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my
hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the
bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the
blasted ice.
Dec. 27 - More white muck last night. Been inside for three days now
except for shovelling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through
every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white muck
and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches
of the muck again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10
inches is?
Dec. 28 - That blasted weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the muck
this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got
stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow
my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels
shovelling out all the muck he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near
broke my last one over his blasted head.
Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food
and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000
damage to the car. Those blasted beasts should be killed. The bastards are
everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.
May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is
rusted out from all that blasted salt they put all over the roads.
May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind
would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!
A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from
Buffalo are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of
whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the
air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air.
The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a
perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are
cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone the Canadian pulls out a bottle
of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out
his gun and shoots it.
The guy from Buffalo can't believe this and says, "What did you do that
for? that was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"
The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are
cheap."
So a while later the guy from Buffalo pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens
it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts
the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and
shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that!"
The guy from Buffalo says, "Well, in Buffalo, we have plenty of Canadians,
but bottles are worth a nickel."
An American and his wife were driving in
Canada and got lost. Finally they cane into some city. They saw a
gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the
lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied,
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to
her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English
here!"
Have you ever heard anyone say "Canadians
are just like Americans. What's the difference?" Here's a few of the more
subtle answers. The Brits are included as a control group.
*Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
*Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
*Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
*Americans: Care very deeply about civil rights & preserving them; to
extreme degrees in some cases.
*Brits: More concerned about an orderly society than a free one.
*Canadians: Couldn't care less about these things, especially when they
"have nothing to hide".
*Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of
themselves.
*Brits: Believes everyone should act according to their place in the
social structure.
*Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
*Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
*Brits: Still haven't gotten over the fact that their Empire is so
diminished, although most of the time, it doesn't show.
*Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem -- when they can be
bothered to sing them, that is.
*Americans: Are deeply religious, or make a strong point of posturing as
such.
*Brits: Celebrate the fact that they have an "official" religion.
*Canadians: Are somewhat less religious, and keep it to themselves.
*Americans: Believe rudeness is the most efficient of travel manners.
*Brits: Stiff upper lip -- often mistaken for coolness.
*Canadians: Do their best to be polite to others.
*Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box (computer or
TV).
*Brits: Only have two channels, both of which are very boring.
*Canadians: Don't watch much TV but only because they can't get more
American channels.
*Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
*Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other
fans.
*Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
*Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.
*Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
*Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans once, playing baseball.
*Americans: Are loud, boisterous, obnoxious as tourists.
*Brits: Are very conservative tourists, especially with a pound.
*Canadians: Are polite, low-profile, sensitive (perhaps even timid)
tourists.
*Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
*Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
*Canadians: Spell English words like the Brits, but pronounce them like
Parisians.
*Americans: Are afraid to walk the street of their large cities at night.
*Brits: Sensibly stay home at night instead of going out.
*Canadians: Don't have all that many large cities to walk in anyway.
*Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in
a backward country.
*Brits: Are suspect of all imported goods.
*Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in
a backward country.
*Americans: Tend to think that guns are very cool, and fun too.
*Brits: Since not even the police are armed, what more can one say.
*Canadians: Aren't quite sure how they work. Safer and easier to make them
illegal.
*Americans: Think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
*Brits: Believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited.
*Canadians: Believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
*Americans: Are awed by wealth and success.
*Brits: Cannot be awed by anything.
*Canadians: Are awed by correctness and mediocrity.
*Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly, and dump their old
ways.
*Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.
*Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways, and avoid
assimilation.
*Americans: Are disliked everywhere in the world, with the exception of
Canada.
*Brits: Are misunderstood everywhere.
*Canadians: Are tolerated everywhere in the world; frequently even liked
-- with the exception of America, Somalia, and places where the Airborne
have been.
*Americans: Don't want to endure any unpleasant weather anywhere.
*Brits: Endure oppressively wet & dreary winters, and are proud of it.
*Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters, and are proud of it.
*Americans: Think that all great comedians are American.
*Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them
because they don't understand subtle humour.
*Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin
Short, Lorne Michaels, Jim Carrey, Michael O'Donohue and Dan Akroyd.
*Americans: Are obsessed with the President, his family, and his sex life.
*Brits: Are obsessed with the Queen, and royal family peccadillos.
*Canadians: Would gladly settle for Prince Charles having an affair with a
Canadian girl .
*Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their
citizens.
*Brits: Remind Americans and Canadians that they all got their start in
the Mother Country.
*Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were
actually Canadian.
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