"Two Dallas women opened a marina. They ran the best little oarhouse in Texas."
~ Richard Lederer ~

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer."
~ Bruce Graham ~

"Bigamy is two rites that make a wrong."
~ Jacob M Braude ~

"I'm prepared to take advice on leisure from Prince Philip. He's a world expert on leisure. He's been practicing it for most of his adult life."
~ Neil Kinnock ~

"All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun."
~ Rita Rudner ~

"Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa."
~ Dorothy Parker ~

"My watch is three hours fast and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York."
~ Steven Wright ~

"I've been married so long I'm on my third bottle of Tabasco."
~ Susan Vass ~

"An orgasm is like the tickling feeling you get inside your nose before you sneeze."
~ Newsweek ~

"To give you an idea of how fast we travelled - we left with two rabbits and when we arrived we still had only two."
~ Bob Hope ~

"You've got such a wonderful head on your shoulders. Tell me: whose is it?"
~ Anon ~

"I climbed up the door
and I opened the stairs.
I said my pajamas
and buttoned my prayers.

I turned off the covers
and pulled up the light.
I'm all scrambled up since
she kissed me last night."
~ adapted by Bruce Lansky ~

"The man who has a girl in every port is not a sailor but a wholesaler."
~ Evan Esar ~

"I dress for women and undress for men."
~ Angie Dickinson ~

"I cannot smell mothballs because it's so difficult to get their little legs apart."
~ Steve Martin ~

"Isn't it interesting how the sounds are the same for an awful nightmare and great sex?"
~ Rue McClanahan ~

"Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired."
~ Walter Walker ~

"This is Bollocks the butler speaking. What splendid news about made-cow disease. That explains the last twenty years and I thought I was the one who was barmy. Please leave a spring-like message after the Moooooooooo."
~ Willie Rushton ~

"For a long time, I thought coq au vin meant love in a lorry."
~ Victoria Wood ~

"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better."
~ Ellen DeGeneres ~

"When Spring comes around, I merely write my tailor, send him a small sample of dandruff, and tell him to match it exactly."
~ Oliver Hereford ~

"The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink."
~ Fran Leibowitz ~

"Your head is as empty as a hermit's address book."
~ Rowan Atkinson ~

"I had a dream the other day about music critics. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a painting by Goya."
~ Igor Stravinsky ~

"She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong."
~ Mae West ~

"Ghosts can walk through walls, how come they don't fall through the floor?"
~ Steven Wright ~

"Another reason girls talk earlier than boys is breastfeeding. Boys would rather breastfeed than talk because they know they won't be getting that close again for another fifteen years."
~ Paul Seaburn ~

"Snooker is just chess with balls."
~ Clive James ~

"What a jolly bunch they were, and the only one who wasn't smiling was Solly, a 70-year-old taxi driver, who was staring at his prick and intoning: 'We were born together. We grew up together.We got married together. Why, oh why, did you have to die before me?'."
~ Jeffrey Bernard ~

"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing when you're really thinking about a mother."
~ Cliff Caven ~

"Boy meets girl; girl gets boy into pickle; boy gets pickle into girl."
~ Jack Woodford ~

"I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe."
~ Bob Hope ~

"I am not wanting to make too long speech tonight as I am knowing your old English saying 'Early to bed and up with the cock!'."
~ Yakov Smirnoff ~

"I was in analysis for years because of a traumatic childhood; I was breast-fed through falsies."
~ Woody Allen ~

"She believed in nothing. Only her scepticism kept her from being an atheist."
~ Jean-Paul Sartre ~

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."
~ Freddie Starr ~

"When male golfers wriggle their feet to get their stance right they look exactly like cats preparing to pee."
~ Jilly Cooper ~

"The sound of a harpsichord - two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a thunderstorm."
~ Sir Thomas Beecham ~

"Those press-on towels are a real rip-off aren't they? I used six of them and I couldn't even get my arms dry."
~ Jack Dee ~

"The phone went in the house and I answered it and this voice said, 'Hello, how would you like a dirty weekend in Paris?' And then there was a silence and the voice said, 'I'm sorry. Have I shocked you?' And I said, 'God no - I was just packing'."
~ Helen Lederer ~

"I believe in the discipline of silence and could talk for hours about it."
~ George Bernard Shaw ~

"It's not what I do but how I do it. It's not what I say but how I say it. And how I look when I'm saying and doing it."
~ Mae West ~

"Fuck it, the fucking fucker's fucking fucked!"
~ Anthony Burgess (quoting an army mechanic on his engine) ~

"If brevity is the soul of wit, your penis must be a riot."
~ Donna Gephart ~

"You're the sort of person Dr Spooner would have called a shining wit."
~ Anon ~

"Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?"
~ Frank Carson ~

"I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'."
~ Joan Rivers ~

"Any woman who shall impose upon, seduce and betray into matrimony any of His Majesty's subjects by virtue of scents, paints, cosmetic washes, artificial teeth, false hair, iron stays, hoops, high-heeled shoes, or bolstered hips, shall incur the penalty against witchcraft, and the marriage... shall be null and void."
~ English Act Of Parliament ~

"Everybody has a God-given right to be an atheist."
~ Michael Patton ~

"If only it were as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate."
~ Diogenes the Cynic, 4th century BC ~

"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot."
~ Elayne Boosler ~

"I want you to put more life into your dying."
~ Samuel Goldwyn ~

"I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him."
~ Steven Wright ~

"When I am asked what kind of writing is the most lucrative, I have to say, ransom notes."
~ H N Swanson (literary agent) ~

"If I were a cassowary
On the plains of Timbuktu
I would eat a missionary
Cassock, band, and hymn-book too."
~ Samuel Wilberforce ~

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, 'Do you earn a living doing that?'. He said, 'Yes, this my livelihood'."
~ Tommy Cooper ~

"Birth control is evasion of the issue."
~ Louis A Safian ~

"Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'You're round'. The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard'."
~ Tommy Cooper ~

"Fondle the woman in your life once for every thousand times you play with your private parts. That should be just about right."
~ Barbara Graham ~

"We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over."
~ Aneurin Bevan ~

"The trouble with my wife is that she is a whore in the kitchen and a cook in bed."
~ Geoffrey Gorer ~

"Moanday, tearday, wailsday, thumpsday, frightday, shatterday, shunday."
~ James Joyce ~

"Shh, don't wake him up! He's got a bad case of insomnia and he's trying to sleep it off."
~ Chico Marx ~

"You've got the philosophy of a dog - if you can't fuck it or eat it, then piss on it."
~ John Jenkins ~

"If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder."
~ Victoria Woods ~

"In my day, there were things that were done, and things that were not done, and there was even a way of doing things that were not done."
~ Peter Ustinov ~

"I will not allow my daughters to learn foreign languages because one tongue is sufficient for a woman."
~ John Milton ~

"Let us drink a toast to the queer old dean."
~ William Spooner ~

"I just had an operation for piles - all my troubles are behind me."
~ Ken Brett ~

"I see - she was the original good time that was had by all."
~ Bette Davis ~

"How well I remember
The first time we kissed.
We both closed our eyes;
Then we puckered and missed."
~ Bruce Lansky ~