"To the Bank of Scotland I bequeath my testicles, because it has no balls."
~ Lord Erskine ~

"My favourite drink is a cocktail of carrot juice and whisky. I am always drunk but I can see for miles."
~ Roy Brown ~

"Hey, kid, what do you use for a jockstrap? A rubber band and a peanut shell?"
~ Robert Archambault ~

"When you hit seventy you sleep sounder, you feel more alive than when you were thirty. Obviously it's healthier to have women on your mind than on your knees."
~ Maurice Chevalier ~

"During the anatomy lesson the lecturer told us that the human male's testicles were about the size of a partridge's egg. A female student sitting next to me nudged me and said, 'At least I know now how big a partridge's egg is'."
~ Richard Gordon ~

"A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her."
~ Helen Rowland ~

"Most of these love triangles are wrecktangles."
~ Jacob M Braude ~

"Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital."
~ Aaron Levenstein ~

"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away."
~ Phyllis Diller ~

"I lately lost a preposition:
It hid, I thought beneath my chair.
And angrily I cried: 'Perdition!'
Up from out of in under there!"
~ Morris Bishop ~

"As a young man I used to have four supple members and one stiff one. Now I have four stiff and one supple."
~ Henri Duc d'Aumale ~

"I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. I have your review before me. It will soon be behind me."
~ Max Reger ~

"When my mother found my diaphragm, I told her it was a bathing cap for my cat."
~ Liz Winston ~

"The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip."
~ Robert Orben ~

"My wife and I were married in a toilet: it was a marriage of convenience."
~ Tommy Cooper ~

"Although man has learned through evolution to walk in an upright position, his eyes still swing from limb to limb."
~ Margaret Schooley ~

"One night I made love for an hour and five minutes. It was the day they pushed the clock ahead."
~ Gary Shandling ~

"Two bats were hanging up in a cave and one said to the other, 'When I'm older, I hope I don't become incontinent'."
~ Mick Miller ~

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often."
~ Oliver Hereford ~

"The harpsichord sounds like two skeletons copulating on a corrugated iron roof - in a thunderstorm."
~ Sir Thomas Beecham ~

"The only place you're sure to find love is at the end of a letter from your mother."
~ Bruce Lansky ~

"I am always looking for meaningful one-night stands."
~ Dudley Moore ~

"I once made love to a female clown. It was weird because she twisted my penis into a poodle."
~ Dan Whitney ~

"The AAAA is a new organisation for drunks who drive. Give them a call and they'll tow you away from the bar."
~ Martin Burden ~

"'Ms.' is a syllable which sounds like a bumble bee is breaking wind."
~ Hortense Calisher ~

"The most difficult things for a man to do are to climb a wall leaning towards you, to kiss a girl leaning away from you, and to make an after-dinner speech."
~ Winston Churchill ~

"They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets."
~ Robert Orben ~

"My wife and I have enjoyed over forty years of wedded blitz."
~ Hugh Leonard ~

"You know it is summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer."
~ Hal Roach ~

"The high-heeled shoe is a marvellously contradictory item; it brings a woman to a man's height but makes sure she cannot keep up with him."
~ Germaine Greer ~

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns. He should be drawn and quoted."
~ Fred Allen ~

"During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a motel."
~ Rodney Dangerfield ~

"If Mr Vincent Price were to be co-starred with Miss Bette Davis in a story by Mr Edgar Allen Poe directed by Mr Roger Corman, it would not fully express the pent-up violence and depravity of a single day in the life of the average family."
~ Quentin Crisp ~

"If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it."
~ Paul Merton ~

"A diet is a system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer."
~ Totie Fields ~

"Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?"
~ Milton Berle ~

"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
~ Bob Hope ~

"I was at a gay nineties party the other night. All the men were gay and all the women were ninety."
~ Eric Morecambe ~

"There are more men than women in mental hospitals which just goes to show who's driving who crazy."
~ Peter Veale ~

"He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical."
~ Les Dawson ~

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'."
~ Tommy Cooper ~

"A man by himself is in good hands."
~ Eric Hoffer ~

"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies."
~ Adrienne E. Gusoff. ~

"The main difference between Los Angeles and yoghurt is that yoghurt has an active living culture."
~ Tom Taussik ~

"Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures."
~ Samuel Johnson ~

"Lord Castlerosse was taken to task by Nancy Astor over the size of his stomach. 'What would you say if that was on a woman?' she asked, pointedly. 'Half an hour ago it was,' he replied."
~ Nigel Rees ~

"Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people."
~ W.C. Fields ~

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's; she changes it more often."
~ Oliver Herford ~

"Falsies are the bust that money can buy."
~ Bob Levinson ~

"He said, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'. I thought, 'That's a turn-up for the books.'."
~ Tommy Cooper ~

"Men can read maps better than women. 'Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles."
~ Roseanne Barr ~

"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy."
~ Fred Allen ~

"Get your tongue out of my mouth. I'm kissing you goodbye!"
~ Cynthia Heimel ~

"How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house? Look inside your pants. If you find a penis in there, it's not time."
~ Jo Brand ~

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands - and all you can do is scratch it."

~ Sir Thomas Beecham, English conductor, to a female cellist.
   Also attributed to Arturo Toscanini.

"I hate to spread rumours: but what else can one do with them?"
~ Amanda Lear ~

"What the brassiere said to the top hat: 'You go on ahead while I give these two a lift'."
~ Anon ~

"Women say it's not how much men have, but what we do with it. What is it, a Cuisinart? It's got two speeds: forward and reverse."
~ Richard Keni ~

"He's such a devout Catholic, he won't be happy until he's crucified."
~ John B. Keane ~

"Ouch!"
~ Isaac Newton ~

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
~ Tommy Cooper ~

"Sex is a two-way treat."
~ Franklin P. Jones ~

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
~ Robert A. Heinlein ~

"One night I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
~ Steven Wright ~

"Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?"
~ Tom Stoppard ~

"In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms."
~ Bruce Lansky ~

"Mona Lisa cocktail - two of them and you can't get that silly grin off your face."
~ Anon ~

"In high school, my sister went out with the captain of the chess team. My parents loved him... They figured that any guy that took hours to make a move was okay with them."
~ Brian Kiley ~

"Live music is an anachronism, and now is the winter of our discotheque."
~ Benny Greene ~

"Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying - but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?"
~ Lily Tomlin ~

"A five-pound box of chocolates
 is a very nice surprise.
 But will you love me, darling,
 when they end up on my thighs?"
~ Helen Ksypka ~

"Sex is an emotion in motion."
~ Mae West ~

"They say the dog is man's best friend. I don't believe that. How many of your friends have you neutered?"
~ Larry Reeb ~

"I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them."
~ Joan Rivers ~

"There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed."
~ George Burns ~

"Beating his chest, the Laird of the Manor said to the country lassie, 'Me Tartan, you plain'."
~ William Cole ~

"If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?"
~ Steven Wright ~

"It has long been believed that a man who gets bald across the front of his head is a thinker while a man who gets bald on the crown of his head is a lover. It follows, certainly, that a man who gets bald all over his head thinks he's a lover."
~ L M Boyd ~

"He that doth get a wench with child and marries her afterwards, it is as if a man should shit in his hat and then clap it on his head."
~ Samuel Pepys ~

"I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork."
~ Peter de Vries ~

"Funny how a wife can spot a blonde hair at twenty yards, yet miss the garage doors."
~ Corey Ford ~

"She was a blonde - with a brunette past."
~ Gwyn Thomas ~

"All flowers are flirtatious -- particularly if they carry hyphenated names. The more hyphens in the name, the flirtier the flower. The one-hyphen flowers -- black-eyed Susan; lady-smock; musk-rose -- may give you only a shy glance and then drop their eyes; the two-hyphen flowers -- forget-me-not; flower-de-luce -- keep glancing. Flowers with three or more hyphens flirt all over the garden and continue even when they are cut and arranged in vases. John-go-to-bed-at-noon does not go there simply to sleep."
~ Willard R Espy ~

"To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady."
~ Wilson Mizner ~

"An epigram is a half-truth so stated as to irritate the person who believes the other half."
~ Shailer Mathews ~

"Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband."
~ John Parrott ~

"Have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?"
~ Billy Connolly ~

"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thoughts I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."
~ Groucho Marx ~

"My wife doesn't. Understand me?"
~ William Cole ~

"You suck on that cigarette because you didn't suck on your mom long enough when you were a kid. That's the absolute truth. If I could buy a pack of breasts, I would. I'd be smoking forty to fifty packs a day. I'd be down the news stand first thing every morning: 'Gimme a pack of 44Ds. You can leave the nipples on 'em'."
~ Denis Leary ~