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"Dying can damage your health. Every coffin contains a Government Health Warning."

"When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It is of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts."

"Doctor Killjoy fell down the well
And he broke his collar bone
Doctors are supposed to treat the sick
And leave the well alone."

"One day the don't-knows will get in and then where will we be?"

"Navy, n. An army entirely surrounded by water."

"I hope Harry Secombe dies before me because I don't want him singing at my funeral."

"A man who was asked out to dinner,
Came home looking hungry and thinner;
     He said, 'Don't look baffled,
     The dinner was raffled,
And somebody else was the winner'."

"Ready, fire, aim."

"I swear I saw a road sign in Ireland which said: WARNING! THIS IS A ONE WAY CUL-DE-SAC AT BOTH ENDS."

"Handsome? He looked like a dog's bum with a hat on."

"I said to the First Officer, 'Gad, that sun's hot!' to which he replied, 'Well, you shouldn't touch it'.''

"I remember once going into an undertakers, lying on the floor, and shouting 'Shop!'."

"By midday the heat is so unbearable that the streets are empty except for thousands of Englishmen taking mad dogs for walks."

"All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

"Let us look at the River Thames
One of England's watery gems,
Oily, brown, greasy, muddy,
Looking foul and smells of cruddy.
The Conservancy say they're cleaning it.
So why is it the colour of shit?"

"We owe a lot to the Y.M.C.A.: the invention of the triangular trouser button for example."

"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion."

"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me it wasn't a joke."

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."

"Down the stream the swans all glide
It's quite the cheapest way to ride.
Their legs get wet,
Their tummies wetter
I think after all
The bus is better."

"The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron mangles by A.J. Thompson."

"If you kill me, I promise you will never take me alive!"

"I went to Naples to see Vesuvius and would you believe it, the bloody fools had let it go out."

"Listen, someone’s screaming in agony – fortunately I speak it fluently."

"Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen."

"And God said, 'Let there be light'; and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. And God saw the light and it was good; He saw the quarterly bill and that was not good."

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

"And when they were up they were up,
And when they were down, they were down,
And when they were only halfway up, I was arrested."

"Two little sardines swimming in the sea, came across a submarine.
'What's that'? said one... looking in.
'Only people in a tin!'."

"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."

"Things that go 'bump' in the night
Should not really give one a fright.
It's the hole in each ear
That lets in the fear,
That, and the absence of light!"

"I speak Esperanto like a native."

"Once at the airport I leaped onto a conveyor belt just as the luggage was coming through. When the airport police arrived I said to them, 'Just one more round and I promise to get off. I've always wanted to do this, all my life'."

"The British Army Works like this - If you hang a man and he dies, keep hanging him until he gets used to it."

"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."

"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? "

"In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife."

"Excuse my face, it won't go away."

"I must go down to the sea today,
The lonely sea and the sky.
I left my vest and socks there,
And I wonder if they're dry."

"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."

"I have three A-levels: one in pure mathematics and one in applied mathematics."

"I'm a hero with coward's legs."

"His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex. "

"My uncle was a great man, he told me so himself. 'I am a great man,' he said, and you cannot argue with facts like that."

"There are holes in the sky
Where the rain gets in,
But they're ever so small
That's why rain is thin."

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

"L-I-M-P pronounced limp."

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."

"He decided to commit suicide or die in the attempt."

"My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."

"I took one look at my opponent in the boxing ring and said to the referee, 'I'm not fighting until I hear it tork!'."

"You silly twisted boy."

"I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in the fridge."

"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it."

"Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
'I'll draw a sketch of thee;
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?'."

"I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

~ Spike Milligan 1918-2002 ~

(I'm told Spike Milligan's tombstone is to be engraved with the words:
"I told you I was ill - Spike Milligan 1918-2002.")


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Last Updated - 07 June 2006