QUOTES

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"Preposition: An enormously versatile part of grammar, as in 'What made you pick this book I didn't want to be read to out of up for?'"
~ Winston Churchill ~

"There would be no population explosion if people who are trying to keep the wolf from the door wouldn't let the stork fly in through the window."
~ Evan Esar ~

"Some girls fight against being caressed, while others take it lying down."
~ Anon ~

"I wanted to be an atheist, but I gave it up. They have no holidays."
~ Henry Youngman ~

"She looked like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or anywhere else."
~ Elsa Lancaster ~

"He who rests on his laurels wears them on wrong end."
~ Unknown ~

"The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead."
~ Bertram Toy ~

"The other night I said to my wife Ruth, 'Do you feel that the sex and excitement has gone out of our marriage?' Ruth said, 'I'll discuss it with you during the next commercial."
~ Milton Berle ~

"Censor: a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to."
~ Laurence Peter ~

"Making a speech on economics is a bit like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you but never to anyone else."
~ Lyndon B Johnson ~

"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary."
~ Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960 ~

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
~ Sharon Stone ~

"Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
~ Unknown ~

"The musical equivalent of St. Pancras Station."
~ Sir Thomas Beecham on Elgar's Symphony in A Flat. ~

"I've posed in the nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker but I merely looked constipated."
~ George Bernard Shaw ~

"God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question."
~ Anonymous ~

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
~ Robin Williams ~

"Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you wouldn't be seen dead at."
~ Bill Vaughan ~

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"
~ Lily Tomlin ~

"As for that topsy turvy tangle known as soixante-neuf, personally, I have always felt it to be madly confusing, like trying to pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time."
~ Helen Lawrenson ~

"In this life all that I have is my word and my balls and I do not break them for nobody."
~ Al Capone ~

"Some people blow their top, but all people blow their bottom."
~ Evan Esar ~

"Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?"
~ Groucho Marx ~

"Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of reason with unreason."
~ Jack Kroll ~

"My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale."
~ Rita Rudner ~

"She was known as the virgin queen... she was always on the verge."
~ Gerald F Lieberman ~

"I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. 'Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?"
~ Beverly Mickins ~

"He may have hairs on his chest; but, sister, so has Lassie."
~ Cole Porter ~

"Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?"
~ Benny Hill ~

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done."
~ Fred Allen ~

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
~ Jay Leno ~

"Don't make me come down there!"
~ God ~

"A little tomato who knows her onions can go out with an old potato and come home with a lot of lettuce and a couple of carats."
~ Herbert V Prochnow ~

"He was a man of parts, but badly assembled."
~ Nancy Boyd ~

"She's what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand."
~ Saul Bellow ~

"Here lies my wife.
Here let her lie!
Now she's at rest. And so am I."
~ John Dryden (proposed) Epitaph for his wife ~

"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother."
~ Anon ~

"The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence."
~ Art Linkletter, A Child's Garden of Misinformation, 1965.

"Sexual intercourse... a joyous, joyous, joyous, joyous impaling of woman on man's sensual mast."
~ Anais Nin ~

"Satisfaction will come to those who please themselves."
~ Arnold Lobel (on masturbation) ~

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."
~ Fred Allen ~

"Commuter - one who spends his life 
In riding to and from his wife; 
A man who shaves and takes a train, 
And then rides back to shave again."
~ E.B. White ~

"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs."
~ PJ O'Rourke ~

"He makes love like a footballer! He dribbles before he shoots."
~ John Cooper Clarke ~

"Old people like to give good advice as solace for no longer being able to provide a bad example."
~ De la Rouchefoucauld ~

"This may be the age of automation, but love is still being made by hand."
~ Evan Esar ~

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
~ Jack Nicholson ~

"A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink."
~ W.C. Fields ~

"Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar."
~ Marguerite, Countess of Blessington ~

"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion."
~ Spike Milligan ~

"Oh! I'll wait 6 years to read it, when she'll be 18!"
~ Groucho Marx, on hearing about the novel Lolita ~

"A woman whose face looked as if it had been made of sugar and someone had licked it."
~ George Bernard Shaw ~

"You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate."
~ Carrie Snow ~

"The silence went straight from rapt to fraught without pausing at pregnant."
~ Bernard Levin ~

"Love is so confusing. You tell a girl she looks great and then what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!"
~ Robert Orben ~

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
~ John Mendoza ~

"To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a way as any."
~ Henry Miller ~

"Journalism: a profession whose business it is to explain to others what it personally does not understand."
~ Lord Northcliffe ~

"I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me."
~ Tallulah Bankhead ~

"You wanna hear my personal opinion on prostitution? If men knew how to do it, they wouldn't have to pay for it."
~ Roseanne ~

"Isn't it possible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee anymore in this country? What happened with coffee? Did I miss a meeting? They have every other flavor but coffee-flavored coffee. They have mochaccino, frappaccino, cappuccino, al pacino... Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup."
~ Denis Leary ~

"A nymphomaniac is a woman who takes on the husbands of other women so as not wear out her own."
~ Evan Esar ~

"Die, my dear doctor? That's the last thing I shall do."
~ Lord Palmerston ~

"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."
~ Rodney Dangerfield ~

"A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself."
~ Henry Morgan ~

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
~ Unknown ~

"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
~ Winston Churchill ~

"Little Red Riding Hood is a Russian contraceptive."
~ Anon ~

"Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old mistresses."
~ Lord Beaverbrook: attrib. ~

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less."
~ Brendan Francis ~

"Should not the Society of Indexers be known as Indexers, Society of, The?"
~ Keith Waterhouse ~

"It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard."
~ Dorothy Parker (on pregnancy) ~

"Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists charge the rent."
~ Anon graffiti, also attrib to Jerome Lawrence ~

"The trouble with words is that you never know whose mouths they've been in."
~ Dennis Potter ~

"I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night."
~ Marie Correli ~

"Autobiography: an obituary in serial form with the last instalment missing."
~ Quentin Crisp ~

"Aural sex makes you prick up your ears."
~ John W Grant ~

"The closest I ever came to a ménage a trois was when I dated a schizophrenic."
~ Rita Rudner ~

"Living in New York I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every *other* one. I figure no matter how long a burglar stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
~ Elayne Boosler ~

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
~ George Burns ~

"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
~ Bernard Manning ~

"Time is short and we must seize Those pleasures found above the knees."
~ Richard Eyre ~

"The marvellous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing."
~ Ronnie Barker ~

"Working for Warner Bros is like fucking a porcupine; it's a hundred pricks against one."
~ Wilson Minzner ~

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
~ Tommy Cooper ~

"Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on."
~Budd Schulberg ~

"The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it."
~ Woody Allen ~

"I can see from your utter misery, from your eagerness to misunderstand each other, and from your thoroughly bad temper that this is the real thing."
~ Peter Ustinov ~

"Too many cooks spoil the brothel."
~ Polly Adler ~

"The most important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life."
~ Glenda Jackson ~

"The noblest of all dogs is the hot-dog; it feeds the hand that bites it."
~ Laurence J Peter ~

"Sir, you have tasted two whole worms; you have hissed all my mystery lectures and been caught fighting a liar in the quad; you will leave Oxford by the next town drain."
~ William Spooner ~

"If a light sleeper can't sleep with a light on, why can a hard sleeper sleep with a hard-on?"
~ Lin Tucci ~

"Yes, I had him cremated and his ashes made into an eggtimer. He never did any work while he was alive, so he might as well as well do some now he's dead."
~ Anon ~

"As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, 'Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients'. But another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian'."
~ Dick Wilson ~

"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others."
~ Henry Youngman ~

"I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself."
~ Robert Orben ~

"Someone has tabulated that we have 35 million laws on the books to enforce the Ten Commandments."
~ Bert Masterson ~

"Why do you think people close their eyes when they kiss? Think about it. In the real world, if you saw someone an-inch-and-a-half away, coming at you with their eyes open and their lips puckered, you'd scream. It's alarming."
~ Paul Reiser ~

"The Supreme Court has ruled they cannot have a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."
~ Jay Leno ~

"'I'm sorry,' guys are always telling women, 'but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving."
~ Dave Barry ~

"Eunuch: A man who has had his works cut out for him."
~ Robert Byrne ~

"We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife."
~ Groucho Marx ~

"Apparently men rarely dream about getting married. Well, that figures. Women have a magazine called 'Bride', but there's no magazine for men called 'Groom'."
~ Mary Reinbolz ~

"It has to be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a very unsatisfactory place to have it."
~ Malcolm Muggeridge ~

"If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?"
~ Bette Midler ~

"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."
~ Steven Wright ~

"When you want your boyfriend to play with you, wear a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it. Sure, it's uncomfortable. But it makes you look just like his remote control."
~ Diana Jordan and Paul Seaburn ~

"Great restaurants are, of course, nothing but mouth-brothels. There is no point in going to them if one intends to keep one's belt buckled."
~ Frederic Raphael ~

"What's my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg into an electric fan."
~ Oliver Herford ~

"A homosexual is the only man who ever meets a man he would like to marry if he were a woman."
~ Evan Esar ~

"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards."
~ Sir Fred Hoyle ~

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."
~ Freddie Starr ~

"If you take epitaphs seriously, we ought to bury the living and resurrect the dead."
~ Mark Twain ~

"I tried phone sex and it gave me an ear infection."
~ Richard Lewis ~

"Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day."
~ Ken Dodd ~

"I wasn't kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth."
~ Chico Marx ~

"It's not who stands behind every man, it's what stands in front."
~ Mark Linn-Baker ~

"My father told me all about the birds and the bees. The liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one."
~ Bob Hope ~

"The war between the sexes is the only one in which both sides regularly sleep with the enemy."
~ Quentin Crisp ~
 




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