QUOTES
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"There would be no population explosion if people who are
trying to keep the wolf from the door wouldn't let the stork fly in
through the window." "Some girls fight against being caressed, while others take
it lying down." "I wanted to be an atheist, but I gave it up. They have no
holidays." "She looked like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or
anywhere else." "He who rests on his laurels wears them on wrong end." "The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV
after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch
the TV instead." "The other night I said to my wife Ruth, 'Do you feel that
the sex and excitement has gone out of our marriage?' Ruth said, 'I'll
discuss it with you during the next commercial." "Censor: a man who knows more than he thinks you ought
to." "Making a speech on economics is a bit like pissing down your
leg. It seems hot to you but never to anyone else." "What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from
the unfit, to do the unnecessary." "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships." "Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia." "The musical equivalent of St. Pancras Station." "I've posed in the nude for a photographer in the manner of
Rodin's Thinker but I merely looked constipated." "God made man before woman to give him time to think of an
answer for her first question." "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time." "Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party
you wouldn't be seen dead at." "If love is the answer, could you rephrase the
question?" "As for that topsy turvy tangle known as soixante-neuf,
personally, I have always felt it to be madly confusing, like trying to
pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time." "In this life all that I have is my word and my balls and I
do not break them for nobody." "Some people blow their top, but all people blow their
bottom." "Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live
in an institution?" "Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of reason
with unreason." "My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite
designer, On Sale." "She was known as the virgin queen... she was always on the
verge." "I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. 'Please,
I'll only put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?" "He may have hairs on his chest; but, sister, so has
Lassie." "Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth
control are already born?" "A committee is a group of people who individually can do
nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done." "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that
many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they
cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" "Don't make me come down there!" "A little tomato who knows her onions can go out with an old
potato and come home with a lot of lettuce and a couple of carats." "He was a man of parts, but badly assembled." "She's what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her
own hand." "Here lies my wife. "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your
mother." "The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence
and obsolescence." "Sexual intercourse... a joyous, joyous, joyous, joyous
impaling of woman on man's sensual mast." "Satisfaction will come to those who please themselves." "Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be
drawn and quoted." "Commuter - one who spends his life "Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is
always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." "He makes love like a footballer! He dribbles before he
shoots." "Old people like to give good advice as solace for no longer
being able to provide a bad example." "This may be the age of automation, but love is still being
made by hand." "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
son-of-a-bitch." "A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have
another drink." "Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month
of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar." "Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable
occasion." "Oh! I'll wait 6 years to read it, when she'll be 18!" "A woman whose face looked as if it had been made of sugar
and someone had licked it." "You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she
would have made sperm taste like chocolate." "The silence went straight from rapt to fraught without
pausing at pregnant." "Love is so confusing. You tell a girl she looks great and
then what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!" "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of
alphabet soup?" "To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a way as
any." "Journalism: a profession whose business it is to explain to
others what it personally does not understand." "I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late,
start without me." "You wanna hear my personal opinion on prostitution? If men
knew how to do it, they wouldn't have to pay for it." "Isn't it possible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee
anymore in this country? What happened with coffee? Did I miss a
meeting? They have every other flavor but coffee-flavored coffee. They
have mochaccino, frappaccino, cappuccino, al pacino... Coffee doesn't
need a menu, it needs a cup." "A nymphomaniac is a woman who takes on the husbands of other
women so as not wear out her own." "Die, my dear doctor? That's the last thing I shall do." "We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take
separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage
together." "A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he
can't help himself." "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand." "I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out
of me." "Little Red Riding Hood is a Russian contraceptive." "Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old
mistresses." "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is
that sex for money usually costs a lot less." "Should not the Society of Indexers be known as Indexers,
Society of, The?" "It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one
bastard." "Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists charge the rent." "The trouble with words is that you never know whose mouths
they've been in." "I never married because I have three pets at home that
answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every
morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home
late at night." "Autobiography: an obituary in serial form with the last
instalment missing." "Aural sex makes you prick up your ears." "The closest I ever came to a ménage a trois was when I
dated a schizophrenic." "Living in New York I have six locks on my door all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every *other* one. I figure no matter how long a
burglar stands there picking the locks, they are always locking
three." "First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you
forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it
down." "I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected
by men as well as women." "Time is short and we must seize Those pleasures found above
the knees." "The marvellous thing about a joke with a double meaning is
that it can only mean one thing." "Working for Warner Bros is like fucking a porcupine; it's a
hundred pricks against one." "Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off." "Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the
brakes on." "The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves
tension and love causes it." "I can see from your utter misery, from your eagerness to
misunderstand each other, and from your thoroughly bad temper that this
is the real thing." "Too many cooks spoil the brothel." "The most important thing in acting is to be able to laugh
and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I
think of my sex life." "The noblest of all dogs is the hot-dog; it feeds the hand
that bites it." "Sir, you have tasted two whole worms; you have hissed all my
mystery lectures and been caught fighting a liar in the quad; you will
leave Oxford by the next town drain." "If a light sleeper can't sleep with a light on, why can a
hard sleeper sleep with a hard-on?" "Yes, I had him cremated and his ashes made into an eggtimer.
He never did any work while he was alive, so he might as well as well do
some now he's dead." "As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, 'Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients'. But another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian'."~ Dick Wilson ~ "All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than
others." "I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my
heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the
best part for herself." "Someone has tabulated that we have 35 million laws on the
books to enforce the Ten Commandments." "Why do you think people close their eyes when they kiss?
Think about it. In the real world, if you saw someone an-inch-and-a-half
away, coming at you with their eyes open and their lips puckered, you'd
scream. It's alarming." "The Supreme Court has ruled they cannot have a Nativity
scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They
couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." "'I'm sorry,' guys are always telling women, 'but I'm just
not ready to make a commitment.' Guys are in a permanent state of
nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a
350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time
for Thanksgiving." "Eunuch: A man who has had his works cut out for him." "We in the industry know that behind every successful
screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife." "Apparently men rarely dream about getting married. Well, that figures. Women have a magazine called 'Bride', but there's no magazine for men called 'Groom'."~ Mary Reinbolz ~ "It has to be admitted that we English have sex on the brain,
which is a very unsatisfactory place to have it." "If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so
many books on how to?" "When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled
my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll
be ninety." "When you want your boyfriend to play with you, wear a
full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it. Sure, it's
uncomfortable. But it makes you look just like his remote control." "Great restaurants are, of course, nothing but
mouth-brothels. There is no point in going to them if one intends to
keep one's belt buckled." "What's my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an
egg into an electric fan." "A homosexual is the only man who ever meets a man he would
like to marry if he were a woman." "Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if
your car could go straight upwards." "I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of
nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb." "If you take epitaphs seriously, we ought to bury the living
and resurrect the dead." "I tried phone sex and it gave me an ear infection." "Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the
dark in your trousers all day." "I wasn't kissing her, I was just whispering in her
mouth." "It's not who stands behind every man, it's what stands in
front." "My father told me all about the birds and the bees. The liar
- I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one." "The war between the sexes is the only one in which both
sides regularly sleep with the enemy." |