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(The pizza guy is here.)

"Auda similarum ad seattles."
(They all sound just like Pearl Jam.)

"Sharpei diem."
(Seize the wrinkled dog.)

"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus."
(Remove foil before microwaving.)

"Il guyus nissanem iste ickye."
(That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.)

"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum."
(Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)

"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum."
(A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.)

"Motorolus interruptus."
(Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)

"Veni, vidi, Pesci."
(I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.)

"Revelare Pecunia!"
(Show Me The Money!)

"Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat."
(Yeah, where *do* I want to go today??)

"Sic semper tyrannus."
(Your dinosaur is ill.)

"No Quid Pro Quo."
(I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.)

"Cavaeat humanus sic tofu burritus e toga."
(Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.)

"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."
(It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro"
(I came; I saw; I stuck around.)

"Et tu, pluribus unum?"
(The government just stabbed me in the back!)

"E pluribus septum."
(Multiple nose piercings.)

"Sic transit gloria mundi"
(Gloria got sick on the bus Monday.)

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.

The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way."

The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"

Van Gogh's Relatives (pronounced US style "Go")

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

Among them were:

  His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh

  His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh

  The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh

  The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh

  The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh

  The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh

  The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh

  His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh

  His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh

  The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh

  The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh

  The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh

  The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh

  The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh

  His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh

  The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh

  An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh

  The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh

  A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh

  His Italian uncle, Day Gogh

  And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.

With the onset of the Single European Currency and a generally more integrated Europe, it has been decided by the European Union Commission that a single European language should be adopted. With this in mind a poll was carried out suggesting that German or English would be the preferred single language. The European Union Commissioners today announced that, after considered debate, an agreement has finally been reached to adopt a single language for the European Union. The preferred language for all European communications will now be English rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the final negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded to the German representatives that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year plan proposed by the German Government to phase in what will be known as Euro-English.

In the first year, the letter "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, Sivil Servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replaced with a "k".

There will be growing publik enthusiasum in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by the "f". This will make words like fotograf some twenty persent shorter.

In the third year publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to attain a stage were more komplicated improvements are possible.

By the forth yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing the "th" with a "z" and redusing the "w" by 50 persent to just "v". Also ve kan remov unvantid spases zat are konsiderd a vaste.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and similar movesvood be aplid to ozerkombinations of leters.

Afterze fifz yer, vevilhav a reli sensibil ritenstyl. Ze drem of a truliakseptibil englislanguaj vil av finalikumtru.

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge.

She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."

"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

When you've forgotten that special gift the best solution is to jot down a letter for that special someone. To help you out I've written some suggestions for you.

Dearest (Sweetheart / Snuggle Dumpling / Insurance Policy Beneficiary / Woman With Whom I Live So People Will Think I'm Straight), Last night, as you slept, I gazed at your face nestled gently upon your pillow and wondered (at your beauty / if you would notice I pawned the bed / when you stopped shaving) - and it makes me realize how inadequate (a mere present/a lousy diamond/paying my share of the rent this month) would be in expressing my love for you.

So, let me instead, (Sweetheart /Dear Heart /Goebbels-in-Drag / Sis), give you my heart, and with it (my soul /my eternal devotion / something for the rash / an erection the size of a Winnebago / an erection the size of a Honda Civic / an erection, just take my word for it), wrapped in a bit of sunshine that I have stolen from your smile.

Love and (Kisses / Hugs / Penicillin / The Attached Subpoena), YOUR NAME HERE

Three tourists were travelling in South America: an Irishman, a Frenchman and a blond American. They all found themselves in a bar in a small Latin American country which was ruled by a strict dictator. As luck would have it, they got into an argument and a bar fight soon started. The local military police arrived and arrested them.

At their trial before a tribunal, they learned their luck was even worse than they had thought. The bar was owned by the brother of the dictator. The three of them were promptly sentenced to five years in solitary confinement.

Before they were taken away to prison, the judge said, "You are foreigners to our country. I will grant you each one favour. You may choose one item to help you pass the time in our prison. What do you wish for?"

The Irishman asked for a five years supply of fine Irish whiskey.
The Frenchman asked for a five year supply of fine French wine.
The blond American requests a five year supply of cigarettes. The judge grants all three requests. The three were led off to prison and thrown into individual cells down in the dark, damp basement of the prison.

Five years later they were let out one by one. First the Irishman was released. He staggered out, drunk, barely able to stand, and quickly stumbled out of the prison without saying a word. The Frenchman was released next. He swaggered out, rather drunk himself, and walked out into freedom. The blond American was released last. He stepped out into freedom and said, "Does anyone have a %&$*&@# match?"

Euphemisms For Impotence

15. 180 degrees shy of heaven

14. Performing with Flacido Domingo

13. A few parts shy of an erector set

12. Sch-wing and a miss

11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offence

10. The Null Monte

9. Disappointing Miss Daisy

8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics

7. Ascension Deficit Disorder

6. Bouncing the Check of Love

5. Less-than-Magic Johnson

4. All Doled up with nowhere to go

3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You

2. Serving boneless pork

1. Unleavened Man-Bread

Finally, The Lineage Revealed.

The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence!

Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked the elder Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey, just to calm my nerves."

So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note from the elder priest on his door:

1) A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say, "He was stoned off his ass."

10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-
dub, thanks for the grub, yea God!"

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Willie's, not a willie-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

An elderly man walks into a house of ill repute and tells the madam that he would like a young woman for the night. The madam gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Just how old are you, mister?"

"Why," the old patron says, "I'm 98 years old today!"

"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh!" he says. "Then how much do I owe you?"

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma!

Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"

"It was just a simple misunderstanding, Sergeant," Irish said to the policeman called to the scene to investigate an indecent exposure complaint by an angry woman at the bar.

"Explain that statement!" demanded the police sergeant.

"Well, you see, this woman and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman...... so I showed her."

I hate to be the bearer of sad news, so it is with a heavy heart that I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon -- the veteran Pillsbury spokesman. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours. His long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart"cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Towards the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly mother, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry The Race starts!

They're off!

Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.
At the Halfway Mark It's Bare Belly on top.
Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Merry Cherry is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Dick is making a final drive.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish! It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final squirt and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows. Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pulls up.

Clean Sheets never had a chance ....

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every man on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I finally realized that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to bed!

The very next day we went shopping at Nordstrom's.

I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then told me that she wanted matching shoes worth $200 each to which I said OK.

Next, we went to the Jewellery Dept. where she picked out a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was insane, but I don't think she cared.

I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet.

I know I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really babe! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I might not have sex again till sometime in 2005 ... but it was WORTH IT.

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question - why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes'."

"Keep going!" the bartender urged.

"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF!!!!

The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, 'You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, 'What will be your second wish?'."

"What next?" begged the bartender.

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, 'You know, you do have one more wish.

What will it be?' I looked at her and replied, 'How 'bout a little head?'."


John Howard the Australian Prime Minister, flies to England for an audience with the Queen. Howard brings up his grand plans for the future of Australia. "Your majesty", he begins, "can we turn Australia into a Kingdom in order to increase its status in the world?"

The Queen shakes her head and replies, "One needs a King for a Kingdom and you are most certainly not a King, Mr Howard."

Not to be dissuaded, he asks "Would it possible to be an Empire then?"

"No," retorts the Queen. "You need an Emperor for an Empire and you are most certainly not an Emperor."

"Aw shucks, what about a Principality then?" tries Howard.

Predictably, the Queen replies, "You need a Prince for a Principality and you are most certainly not a Prince."

Her Majesty takes a sip of tea and adds, "Mr. Howard, having met you and several other Australians I think Australia is perfectly suited to being a country."


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Last Updated - 07 June 2006