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A dwarf was walking past a chemist's shop saw a mega gigantic condom protruding from above the shop's entrance.

"Aha!" he thought and he strode inside and asked the pharmacist, "How much is that huge condom outside?"

"Uh... It's not for sale," said the pharmacist, somewhat bewildered.

"Oh... Please, I really want it! I'll give you 20 for it!" said the dwarf as he started to pull some cash out of his pocket.

"Look, I told you, it's not for sale," repeated the pharmacist, now quite perplexed.

"Okay, I give you 50 for it!" begged the dwarf, pulling out some more cash.

"Don't you understand? It's an ADVERTISEMENT. It's NOT for sale!"

"100?" bribed the dwarf, desperate to have the out-sized condom.

By now the pharmacist was bemused, "All right then," he sighed. "I'll get a ladder and I'll go and take it down for you."

The dwarf paid his 100.  He then took the condom, rolled it over his head and smoothed it down all over his body, right down to his toes, like a woman does with her stockings. He then turned to the pharmacist and excitedly asked, "So? What do I look like then?"

The pharmacist couldn't contain himself. "Like a bloody great big prick!" he laughed.

"Thank God for that!" The dwarf was obviously relieved. "I am so fed up being called a little c**t!"

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in June 1849.

Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott.

Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.

Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not. Butt do I care?

The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that all cars will now be of German origin. 
To this end the following list of German motoring phrases:

 1) Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators

 2) Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood (Bonnet)

 3) Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust

 4) Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch

 5) Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture

 6) Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver

 7) Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car

 8) Der Flippenflappenschitspreader =  Windshield wipers

 9) Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt

10) Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway code

11) Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights

12) Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist

13) Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck

14) Der Bananwaltzen = Skid

15) Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident

Three little piggies went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their orders for drinks.

 "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie.
 "I would like a glass of Coke," said the second little piggie.
 "I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

 The drinks were brought out and a little later, the waiter took their orders for dinner.

 "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie.
 "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie.
 "I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

 The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

 "I want a banana split," said the first piggie.
 "I want a root beer float," said the second piggie.
 "I want lots and lots of water!" exclaimed the third little

 "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"

 "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"
 replied the third little piggie.

Two newly ordained nuns decided to take a day out. They went to London Zoo and were enjoying themselves, wandering around and looking at all the animals, and then they came upon the cage housing the gorillas.

As one of the nuns leaned forward to observe the gorillas more closely, the biggest of the gorillas took one look at this beautiful young nun, leapt forward, bent open the bars, grabbed her, dragged her into the cage and disappeared into the back of his cavern with her.

When the gorilla was finished with her, he came out of his cavern and ceremoniously thumped on his massive chest.  In the meantime, the nun managed to crawl and drag herself back out of the cage, and fell into the arms of the other nun.  She was completely dishevelled, her hair was a mess, her clothes all dusty and askew, her tights were laddered and torn.

She pulled herself together, straightened her dress and tidied herself up. She then turned to her friend and said, "Promise me one thing. Never, ever, mention this - or even ask me what happened. Ever ever again! Alright?"

The other nun agreed, and they made their way back to the convent.

The years passed. The two nuns remained loyal friends and never talked about that day again.

Many many years later, in their convent, the nun lay dying.

At her bedside, the other nun, still  her ever loyal friend, comforted her. Hesitantly, she finally said, "I know I promised to never ever talk about that incident at the zoo all those years ago... But, my dear, please... it won't go any further... I promise... I truly do!   I've always wondered.... Can I ask you something?"

The dying nun nodded.

"Whatever was it that actually happened in the back of that cage between you and that gorilla...?" She hesitated again, then stammered, "That... That gorilla... Did... did he... did he hurt you?"

The other nun slowly turned and looked at her, a tear trickled from her eye, "Did he hurt me?!"  She looked away and paused to take a breath.

The other nun patiently waited for her friend to finish.

"Oh, did he hurt me... He never wrote... He never called... He never even sent flowers....!"

(Thanks for your work on this one, Witty Sis'!)

A young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test the French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making.

On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her.

"First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you to ze bed. And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will kiss ze navel."

"Big deal !!!" she said. "I've had my navel kissed before hundreds of times."

"Ahhhhh, but of course!" shrugged the Frenchman. "But... from ze  inside?"

A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi.

Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land.

Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good.

And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
(Think about it...)

An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!"

The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him.

Sergeant Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed.

He then says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body.  DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"

Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect.

The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that.

The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, AT EASE!!"

His penis goes immediately limp.

The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration.

The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!" (A raging hard-on once again).

He follows this display of prowess with the command of  "DICK, AT EASE!!" (His penis goes limp once again).

The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration one more time.

The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you darling, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!!"

His penis becomes immediately erect. He then gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE!!"

The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his absolute horror, his penis is still rock hard. He says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier: DICK, AT EASE!!"

Once again his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!!"

No luck, his penis is still rock hard. He yells, "Goddammit!!" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to vigorously play with himself.

The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?"

The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order--and I'm giving him a dishonourable discharge!!"

Two gentlemen, both hard of hearing and strangers to each other, were about to ride the London Underground.

One of them, peering at the station they were entering, said, "Pardon me,sir, but is this Wembley?"

"No," said the other, "Thursday."

"No, thank you," said the first.  "I've already had my little drink."

Marriage is a gamble.

You start with a pair.

He shows a diamond. She shows a heart.

Her father has a club. His father has a spade.

There's usually a joker around somewhere, but after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen.

Then they end up with a full  house.

Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go. First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.

Then he takes the lime juice.

T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.

T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.

T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.

T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear, "Blowjob revenge!"

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.

They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.  Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.  

The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him.  She turns to him...  they kiss...and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.

After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The bloke says: "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf".

There was this guy who was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes, then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

Again, there was no answer from his new pet.

He waited a few minutes more, then decided to ask him one more time; this time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?"

A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"


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Last Updated - 07 June 2006