A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of
a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't
like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
Three little boys were out playing but the other kids
wouldn't play with them because they weren't baptized. So the boys go into
a church and all they can find is the janitor. The janitor agrees to
baptize them, so he dunks each one it the toilet. As the boys were
leaving the church the one says, what religion are we now?
I know we isn't Catlick because they sprinkle water over you.
The second said, we isn't Baptist because they dunk you in the river.
The third boy says, I know what we is, I smelled that water and we is
Lesson in Worms
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.
The Prodigal Son (In the Key of 'F')
Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his fond
father to fork over the farthings and flew to foreign fields and frittered
his fortune, feasting fabulously with faithless friends.
Fleeced by his fellows in flooy, and facing famine, he found himself a
feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famishing, he fain would have
filled his frame with foraged food from fodder fragments.
"Fooey! My father's flunkies fare finer," the frazzled fugitive forlornly
fumbled, frankly facing facts. Frustrated by failure and filled with
foreboding, he fled forthwith to his family. Falling at his father's feet,
he forlornly fumbled, "Father, I've flunked and fruitlessly forfeited
The farsighted father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged
the flunkies to fetch a fatling from the flock and fix a feast.
The fugitive's fault-finding brother frowned on fickle forgiveness of
former folderol. But the faithful father figured, "Filial fidelity is
fine, but the fugitive is found! What forbids fervent festivity? Let flags
be unfurled. Let fanfares flare"
And the father's forgiveness formed the foundation for the former
fugitive's future faith and fortitude.
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who
likes to wear hot skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at
the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt
(or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread,
which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an
excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the
ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having
company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male
customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own
loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of
another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin
bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's
tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this
bread for herself!!!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the
men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd
staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the
elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man, "but it's startin' to twitch."
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years.
"So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked.
"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife
turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our
savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run
over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car
rolled off the dock into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently,
my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my
business has just gone bust."
"Damn, that sounds terrible..." Ed said. "What business were you in?"
"I sell good luck charms," said Ted.
Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms
This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with
his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three
people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came
in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."
"OK, you're hired. Here's your kit, go sell!"
The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you."
"OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to
s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi -
Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"
"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for
The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really,
n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"
As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one
shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"
At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold
8 Bibles today."
The second reports, "I sold 11 Bibles today."
The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I
so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!"
"Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell a lot more Bibles than
that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"
At the end of the second day, the first worker comes in and reports,
"Today, I sold 21 Bibles."
The second worker reports, "I sold 29 Bibles today."
The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold
79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."
"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better
than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales
Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa-
wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask,
them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask
if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a
Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or
d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to READ it to 'em?"
Phil wanted a new birth control method and his doctor
suggested a vasectomy.
Phil agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his
At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil's testicles fell to
the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped
on it and crushed it. The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his
nurse's desk and realized it was the right size and weight, so he placed
it in Phil's scrotum and completed the operation.
A few months later, Phil returned for a check up. When the doctor asked
how things were going, Phil replied. "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's
not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make
love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee my eyes water; and whenever I
pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection."
Over near England is a very little island, called the
Isle of Man, and a very peculiar thing about the people, on this island
is, that they don't believe in automobiles, and the climate is such that
they can't keep horses so they all have a donkey or what is commonly
called an ass.
Some have just ordinary asses that you wouldn't look at twice, others have
The mayor has an ass that nobody looks at twice, but his wife has a
beautiful ass. People who really know asses say that she has one of the
finest asses that they have ever seen. Men often stop her on the way to
the market to pat her ass.
On Sunday they all go to church on their asses. Sometimes the girls ride
the boys asses and sometimes the boys ride the girls asses.
Now of this particular Sunday the preacher had to leave immediately
following the sermon so he thought he better have it handy, so he tied his
ass just outside the window. During the service a fire broke our and
everyone ran to save his ass. The preacher jumped out of the window
expecting to land on his ass, but there was a big hole and he fell into
Which goes to show that even a preacher doesn't know his ass from a hole
in the ground.
There once was a chicken and a cat on a boat.
The chicken was bored so he decided to make a bet with the cat, "Cat I
will give you 5 dollars if you can jump from the boat to that dock over
The cat agreed and landed in the water.
The moral of this short story is....
A wet pussy makes a happy cock.
My neighbour's young son swallowed a quarter, a dime
and a nickel. He was rushed to the hospital. The next day I asked my
neighbour how his son was doing, and he replied, "No change yet".
If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg
Actual Answers From Music Students
The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called pre-Madonna.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and
shake him in rhythm.
Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
At one time singers had to use musicians to accompany them. Since
synthesizers came along, singers can now play themselves.
All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they
sounded like because there are no known descendants.
Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the
Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and
Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing
without music it is called Acapulco.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
Probably the most marvellous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and
A harp is a nude piano.
The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.
An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.
The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of
playing a piece.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not
try to sing.
I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
My favourite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for
her church music.
Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.
Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which
he kept up in his attic.
Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
Older brother, Joe, was giving advice to his younger
brother, Kevin, on how to have sex with a girl. Joe didn't know how to
explain it him without being too graphic. So he told him in terms of money
because Joe knew money.
So in terms of directions Joe told Kevin, "You want to look at a girl's
crotch like money. The top is a quarter, the left is a nickel, the right
is a dollar, and the bottom is a dime."
So Kevin goes and thinks about this.
Kevin and his girlfriend finally decide to have sex, so he uses the advice
his brother gave him. He starts out real slow, going, "Quarter....
Nickel.... Dime.... Dollar...." in his mind.
He goes a little faster, saying it in his mind faster, "Quarter.. Nickel..
He goes even faster saying, "Quarter. Nickel. Dime. Dollar," in his mind.
He is nearing orgasm and he starting screaming out loud, "Buck forty! Buck
forty! Buck forty! Buck forty!"
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I
And they replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground
of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very
And Jesus replied, "What?"
A woman went to a doctor claiming she had three
vaginas! The doctor examined her and sure enough, she DID have three
vaginas. He'd never seen such a thing in all his years of medical
He told her, "I'll stitch up two of them, but leave the middle one alone."
"Will that make me normal again?" she asked.
"Of course'" he said. "This way, you won't be screwed left, right and
A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained
pedigreed pup for her birthday. An hour later, while wandering through the
house, he found her looking at a puddle in the centre of the kitchen
"My pup," she murmured proudly, "runneth over."
Today's Question... Should the USA Adopt The Metric
Today's Stupid Opinion...
Absolutely NOT. Just imagine having to re-write all of the dirty jokes
about Kama Sutra position # 69. In a metric conversion ( 1:1.27 ) our
time honoured sexual position would become ... 87.63.
Can you imagine whispering 87.63 into the ear of your sexual partner ?