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A Grandmother's Letter
Dear Grandson:
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come
into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.
I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time
and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to
joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love, Grandma P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I
should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No
matter where I am, in the parlour, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the
basement, I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after?'."
The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club, "Hey, baby, would you help me
'raise my mast'?"
"No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard about you from your ex and she included
a 'small craft' warning."
One very dark and stormy night a travelling salesman was driving along a
country road. The rain was so heavy he could hardly see two feet in front of
him. He decided that he should stop for the night but didn't know where. Just
then he saw a faint light in the distance and headed toward it. It was a big
old country house and the lights were on.
"This is great!" he thought and, mustering up the courage, opened the car
door and ran for the house. He knocked hard on the front door. An elderly lady
answered with her left breast hanging out and she was rubbing it. Shocked the
man ventured a look in and saw an equally elderly man walking down the stairs
holding and umbrella and masturbating furiously. He thought that this was a
little too weird even for him and ran back to the car.
A couple of miles down the road he was lucky enough to see another light
and thought that his luck may be better here. He stopped the car, worked up his
courage and ran for the front door. He knocked and waited. An old man answered
the door.
"Excuse me but I'm worried about driving in this storm and was hoping you
could put me up just for the night," he explained. The old man was sympathetic
"Normally I would but I've got all my relatives staying with me from the city.
But about two miles back down the road is an elderly couple with plenty of
room".
"I've been there" said the salesman "And they are really strange.
She has her left breast out rubbing it and he is holding an umbrella and
masturbating."
"Oh don't worry about that" the old man explained, "They're deaf and dumb.
She's telling him to go milk the cows and he's telling her to get stuffed, it's
raining."
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like
to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think
in fractions.
"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half."
You're never 4 and a half ....You're four going on 5.
You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next
number.
"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16."
You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.
Then the great day of your life: you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!!
Then you turn 30.
What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw
him out. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.
Then you're PUSHING 40... stay over there.
You REACH 50.
You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50. Then you MAKE IT to
60.
By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70.
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday...
You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30.
My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you
know, and maybe a bad one."
And it doesn't end there....
Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid
again. "I'm 100 and a half."
He's teaching her arithmetic,
He said it was his mission,
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice
And said now that's addition,
And as he added smack by smack,
In silent satisfaction,
She sweetly kissed him back,
And said now that's subtraction,
Then he kissed her 'n she kissed him,
Without an explanation,
And both together smiled and said.
That's multiplication,
Then dad arrived upon the scene,
And made a quick decision,
He kicked the kid three blocks away,
And said that's long division.
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend,
Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful
day, and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring
it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her
lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her
arms up and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I
go down, I go down in flames!"
Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant
happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either
hand, looking first at one and then at the other. Upon closer examination, he
identifies the books: the Bible, and Darwin's "Origin of Species".
Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"
The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper, or
my keeper's brother."
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give
speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their
audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by
rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and
Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well," he explained "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus,
ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus, gentlemen. So my
speech started - Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better
than that English bastard and started hisspeech by making an antler symbol
with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained
"by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my
speech by saying - Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one
further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an
antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then
masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he
explained "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest, then my groin and then
masturbating, I was starting my speech by saying - Deer Ladies and Gentlemen,
it gives me great pleasure......."
I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes
we need to pause and remember what life is all about.
There was a great loss recently. Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song "Hokey
Pokey," died this past week at age 83.
It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd
put his left leg in and... well, you know the rest...
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat
down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of
those weighing machines that tells your weight and fortune. So, she thought to
herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that
said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb, and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells
everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the
machine and put her nickel in.
Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb, you're going to
Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical
instrument in my life." She sat back down.
From nowhere a cowboy appeared, came over and set his fiddle case down next to
her. She picked it up and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've
got to try it again."
Back to the machine she trotted. She put her nickel in and another card came
out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb, you're going to Chicago,
Illinois and you're going to break wind."
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a
day in my life!" Well, with that, she tripped getting off the scale and
suddenly broke wind. Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine.
She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It
said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb, you have fiddled and farted around, and
you've missed your plane to Chicago."
Real Life Cybersex
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My
measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What do
you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of
blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few
spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to make love to me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and
candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling.
My hand works its way down your groin and begins to fondle your huge, swelling
bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my
warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidentally rip a hole in
your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts
are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you
have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back and undoing
the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples
are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh darling. I just want to feel your tongue all
over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a *plop*.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hardness.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out,
nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the
cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now
I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the bedroom.
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies
pressing against each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off you glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the
night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward
the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I
lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't
find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again.
I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you
know ... woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth bottom. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck.
Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my hips back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another
second! Slide it in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm
going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear.
Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm
feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and
your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your
candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a
shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at
both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate
in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening.
One night, a few dinner guests were quite shocked as the good
doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the other
phone rang.
His wife answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St.
Francis calling."
He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back.
I'm talking to Christ."
A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the
tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You
know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."
The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really?
Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."
Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."
Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor."
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side
in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the
whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship
and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces?
That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous
amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to
the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive,
but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
A university creative writing class was asked to write a
concise essay containing these four elements:
- Religion
- Royalty
- Sex
- Mystery The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
An old lady, a young woman, an Englishman and an Irishman
are travelling in the compartment of a train together across the British
countryside. Each of the four of them is ignoring the other three.
Suddenly, the train enters a tunnel and the compartment is thrown into pitch
blackness. Out of the darkness comes the sound of a kiss, then the sound of a
slap.
When the train leaves the tunnel, the Englishman has a black eye.
The old woman, thinks to herself, "What a fine young lady! She has good
morals! And how self-possessed - look at her sitting there acting as if
nothing happened!"
The young woman is thinking to herself, "Why would the Irishman go for the old
lady instead of me?"
The Englishman is thinking to himself, "That Irishman is a clever fellow! He
steals a kiss and I get slapped for it!"
The Irishman is thinking to himself, "I'm a clever fellow! I kiss the back of
my hand, slug an Englishman in the face, and get away with it!"
An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska
arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan
woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck.
The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree
with no problem. The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe. The Texas woodpecker
challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker
had been able to peck successfully.
The Alaskan woodpecker expressed much confidence that he could do it. After
flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in Texas, the two
woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the
Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when
neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state.
After thinking for some time, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
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