"I hate to tell you this, Rachel," said the gossip, "but there's a rumour that your husband, Abe, is chasing the shiksas. And at his age too!" she clucked like a chicken. "He's seventy-five, no?"

In a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos.

Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's Bar Mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss The Rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.

Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire "Shabbos goys" to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks' time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the Rabbi.

The Rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play his pre-recoded sermon machines.

Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

There was a young lady of title,
Who insisted on wearing a sheitl,
    Of religion as such
    She didn't know much
But thought that a sheitl was vital.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Jew had a five-course meal at a top London restaurant. At the end of their sumptuous evening, the waiter presented them with a bill for £350.

"I'll pay that," said the Scotsman.

The front page of the following day's paper carried the headline:

JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND DEAD IN ALLEY.

"If G-d had intended Jewish women to exercise, he'd have put diamonds on the floor."
~ Joan Rivers ~

This Jewish fellow decides to become a Catholic. So he goes to Rome, into the Vatican, walks up to St Peter's Basilica and knocks on the door..

"E-en-ter," sings a deep voice, so he opens the door and walks in.

There is a row of cardinals down the left hand side, more cardinals down the right hand side, and right at the far end there is a huge golden throne and on it sits the Pope.

"What are you do-ing here?" sings the Pope.

"I want to become a Catholic," says the Jewish fellow.

So the Pope opens this enormous brass-bound ledger, takes a pen from the nearest Cardinal, and sings, "What is your na-ay-ame?"

"Moishe Goldbaum," says Moishe.

"Where are you fro-o-om?" sings the Pope.

"Golders Green, North London," says Moishe.

"What is your occ-u-pay-a-tion?" sings the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I'm a talent scout for Hollywood," says Moishe.

And the Pope sings, "Moon, Ri-ver, wi-ider than the stars....."

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.

Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

Yiddish Saying:

Life. It's full of such sadness and sorrow, sometimes I think it's better not to be born at all! ... But how many people do you meet in a lifetime who were that lucky?

The wonderful comic, Sam Levinson, had a great answer to anti-Semites. "It's a free world and you don't have to like Jews, but if you DON'T, I suggest that you boycott certain Jewish products, like:

The Wasserman Test for syphilis,

Digitalis, discovered by Doctor Nuslin,

Insulin, discovered by Doctor Minofsky,

Chloral Hydrate, discovered by Doctor Lifreich,

The Schick Test for Diphtheria,

Vitamins, discovered by Doctor Funk,

Streptomycin, discovered by Doctor Woronan,

The Polio Pill by Doctor Sabin and

The Polio Vaccine by Doctor Jonas Salk.

Go on, boycott!

Humanitarian consistency requires that my people offer all these gifts to all people of the world.

Fanatic consistency requires that all bigots accept Syphilis, Diabetes, Convulsions, Malnutrition, Infantile Paralysis and Tuberculosis as a matter of principal.

You want to be mad at the Jews? Be mad at the Jews!

But I'm telling you, you ain't going to feel so good.

A Jewish Curse: May your bones be broken as often as the Ten Commandments.

A long time ago when America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train from the east coast. The wagon train leader was very inexperienced and soon the people realized they were hopelessly lost. After wandering for weeks and weeks, their food supplies were gone and winter was fast approaching.

As the group came over a hill they saw the first person they had seen for days; an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader of the wagon train approached the man. "Can you help us? We're heading west but we're lost and all our food is gone. We're starving."

The old man replied, "Vell you know, I can see the future... Wait... I'm getting a vision now." He held one hand to his brow and closed his eyes in concentration. "It's coming. Oh yes, I see, I see."

"I know what you must do. Go up this hill and down the other side. Go through the forest and across the stream. Then go up the next hill and down to the valley below. There you will find a bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon tree leader.

"A bacon tree. Trust me... for nuttin I vud lie. I can see the future."

The wagon train leader shrugged and headed off. The group followed the strange old man's directions exactly. They went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down to the valley below. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Not a thing and especially not a bacon tree.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came Indians from all sides. It was a massacre. All but one man was killed and even he was seriously wounded. He crawled up the hill, crawled across the stream, crawled through the forest, crawled up the hill and crawled down into the valley. There, under the tree was that same old Jewish man, still there where they had left him.

The injured man crawled up to him and started shouting... "What were you thinking? You sent us all to our deaths! We followed your instructions to the letter! We went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down the valley below. NO BACON TREE! Just Indians, thousands of them! And the rest of my group! They're all DEAD!"

The man held up his hand and said, "Oy wait for it... I'm getting another vision.... Oy. Ooooh. Oh, I get it... Oh my, I made a big mistake... 'It vuz not a bacon tree... 'It vuz a hambush!"

Q. What do you call a Jewish homosexual?

A. A He-Blew.

"Hello, Steven, didn't you start a Company with Itzic Rosenfeld last year?"

"Yes, I put up the money and he put in his business know how."

"And?"

"Now he has the money and I have the business experience..."

How does one make a circumcision over the internet?

By e-moyal!

A young, good-looking and well-dressed woman knocks on the door of a private door of a hospital.

The door opens slightly and a voice says, "Yes, vat?"

"I have come to see Itzic. To see how he is doing after his accident."

"He is asleep now. Who are you?"

"I'm his sister."

"Oh! How nice. I am so pleased to meet you - for you, I will wake him up."

She walks over to the patient and taps him on the shoulder. "Itzic...wake up... Itzic! You shyster... why you not tell me? I am your mama! Your shiksa, she's so much better than your wife?"

Why was Moses' Jewish Mother so happy?

She not only had fun in bed, but she made a prophet!

It's the yearly party at the temple and they're having the drawing for the door prizes. Goldstein wins third prize and gets a colour TV. Rosenberg wins second prize, goes up to collect, and it's a plate of cookies.

He comes back to the table and says, "Goldstein, I don't understand it. You won third prize, you got a colour TV. I won second prize, I got a god-damned plate of cookies."

Goldstein says, "Rosenberg, "You don't understand. The plate of cookies was cooked by the Rabbi's wife."

Rosenberg says, "Fuck the Rabbi's wife!"

Goldstein says, "Shh... that's first prize."

Itzic arrives home and finds his wife in bed with some fellow who is totally naked and who is fast asleep in their bed.

"Vat the hell is going on? Are you meshuggeneh?" he yells at the top of his voice.

"Shhhh! Itzic, don't shout like that! Remember the dishwasher we got 3 months ago? He gave to us!"

"I don't know this man, vy is he in my bed?" asks Itzic, now somewhat calmer.

"Remember the digital television we got last month? He gave that to us too.." she whispers.

"Vy you not cover him up," whispers back Itzic, "you vant he should catch cold?"

A young man opens a corner grocery in Brooklyn and is fairly successful.

After a while he meets and marries a wonderful young woman.

A year later she presents him with a healthy baby boy. He then calls the neighbourhood Mohel who performs the the bris and charges him $50.00.

Now his business grows beautifully and he opens a supermarket in nearby Long Island and even buys a modest home near the supermarket.

As fate would have it, his wife delivers another son. For sentimental reasons he calls upon the Mohel from his old neighbourhood and happily requests his services. The Mohel charges $250.00 this time.

As time goes by he opens several more supermarkets and moves into a big beautiful home way out Long Island. Once again his wife presents him with a third son and once again, for sentimental reasons he requests the services of the same Mohel who this time charges $1000.00.

As he is writing out the check he says to the Mohel, "Your charges sure have increased dramatically in the last few years. Why?"

The Mohel responds, "The $50.00 charge was for a Bris, the $250.00 charge was for a Ritual Circumcision and the $1000.00 charge was for a Very Delicate Schmuckelectomy!"

A Jewish Curse: All your hair should fall out except for one - and it should have dandruff.

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

Sean O'Brien, Dimitri Kulukundis and Itzic Schwartz were talking about their respective ancient rites relating to giving to God...

"We," said Sean, "put a big table outside the church, took all the money that had been collected and threw it up in the air as high as we could. What fell on the table was for God, what fell on the ground was for us."

"We," said Dimitri, "put a little plate on a table and threw the money up in the air as high as we could. What fell into the plate was for God, the rest was for us."

"What would we need a table for?" said Itzic. "We threw the money high up in the air, God took what he wanted, the rest was for us."

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.

The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

"It's my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is sceptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."

The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right!

The charges were 100,000 Lira."

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.

The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment.

After the Pope insists, the Chief Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says, "1 Shekel 50!"

The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap!?"

The Rabbi smiles, "Local call."

What's the difference between lemon or lime squeezin's and members of a pietistic movement within Judaism?

One's an acidic juice and the other Hassidic Jews.

Zelda had lived a good life, having been married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates.

The angel at the gates said to her, "I see that you first of all married a banker, then an actor, next a rabbi, and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem appropriate for a Jewish woman."

"Oh yes it is," Zelda replied. "It's one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready, and four to go."