WHIMSICAL WITS - Jewish Jokes

"A bagel," according to one wag, "is a doughnut with rigor mortis."

"Papa," little Sammy asks his father. "What is the stockmarket?"

"Oh, Sammy," replies the father, "you are much too small to understand!"

"I am NOT too small! I want to KNOW, now!" Sammy protested.

"Ach, wait a few years, then you will understand better."

"Papa, I don't want to start life poor, like you, selling second-hand clothes. So... I want to know!" Sammy insisted.

"Alright,," the father gave in. "It's like this. You buy two chickens. The two chickens lay eggs. So... next year you have thirty chickens. The thirty chickens, they all lay eggs too. The chickens lay eggs, the eggs turn into chickens. So, you end up having thousands of chickens. You see, my son, THIS is the stockmarket. You understand, Sammy?"

"Yes, Papa."

"And then, one day, the sky opens up biiiggggg. And it rains, it rains like in the days of Noah! The floods, they come and they take the chickens with them and wash away all the chickens until they drown and you have only two or three chickens left! You understand?"

"Oh, yes, Papa."

"You see, my son, THIS is the stockmarket. You should have bought DUCKS!!!"

The teacher asked her prize student, "So Moshe, what does two plus two make?"

"Buying, or selling?" Moshe replied.

A Jewish curse: May all your teeth fall out - except one, so you can have a toothache.

Abe Spitzberg meets David Rosenbaum in the little back alley where they park their cars out of sight so that they can be seen to be walking to the Synagogue.

"Hallo David, I am so pleased to see you! It's my parents' Golden wedding anniversary next week and I would like you come to the party."

"That's nice, Abe. Thankyou, yes, I will come."

"Maybe you have some friends you can bring mit you, yes? It's nice to have many people at a party!"

"Yes... I can bring Sammy Cohen, and also Itzic Schwartz."

"Good, good! Only don't forget to remind them to bring something gold."

"Okay! I'll tell them."

So David Rosenbaum brought a goldfish, Sammy Cohen brought a jar of Gold Blend coffee and Itzic Schwartz brought Nat Goldstein.

Q. What's the definition of a Jewish ménage-a-trois?

A. Two headaches and a hard-on.

These announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins. Even the spellchecker wouldn't have helped.

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs Abe Weiss.

4. Thursday at 5:00pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.

All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.

5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

6. A bean supper will be held Wed. evening in the community centre. Music will follow.

7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in

the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fund-raising campaign slogan this week. "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."

A Jewish Curse: May your blood turn to whiskey, so that a hundred bedbugs get drunk on it and dance the mazurka in your belly button.

As Moses was leading the children of Israel through thru parted walls of the Red Sea, some of the children complained of thirst after walking so far. Unfortunately, they weren't able to drink from the walls of salt water on each side of them.

Then a fish from the wall of water stuck his head out and spoke to Moses. He told him his family had heard the children's complaint, and that they could, thru their own gills, remove the salt from their water, and then force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from!

But, said the fish, before his family began to help, they had one demand. They wanted to be a part of history, and wanted to always be apart of the Seder meal to commemorate the Exodus.

Moses readily agreed to this, and gave them their name which remains to this very day. He said to them ... "Go, Filter Fish."

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

A rabbi was worried wondering what his son would do in life, so he appealed to his best friend for advice.

"Put a Bible on your hall table," proffered the friend. "Next to it, place a £50 note and a glass of whisky. Then go and hide yourself somewhere where you can see but can't be seen. Wait for your son to come in, and watch what he does. If he takes the Bible, go down on your knees and thank the Lord, for your son will be a good rabbi just like his papa. If he takes the £50 note, well ... he will not be such a good rabbi like his papa, but he will be good at the gesheft and the sheckels will pour in... ach, you should worry. And if he doesn't take either the Bible or the money but he takes the whisky... well... he will not be such a good rabbi like his papa. He will not be a very good business man but, ach, you should worry... he will enjoy life and he will be happy."

So the next day the rabbi places a Bible on his hall table, he puts a £50 note above it and a glass of whisky next to it. Then he goes and hides himself behind a curtain and waits for his son to come home.

His son walks in, goes to the hall table. He picks up the £50 note and stuffs it in his pocket. He picks up the glass of whisky and gulps it down in one go. He picks up the Bible, tucks it under his arm and he trots up the stairs.

The rabbi is shaking all over, softly wailing, "Holy Moses... A catholic priest!!!"

Itzic was walking along the road carrying a big watermelon when he sees Nat coming towards him.

"Hallo! Nat, how are you?"

"Oy vey," says Nat, throwing his arms up in the air, "Don't ask! But tell me, how are you?"

"Me? You ask how I am? You want I drop my watermelon?"

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the men's room.

It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and after having many drinks.

The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?"

"Yes."

"You come from Sudbury?"

"Yes."

"Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?"

"Yes," he says. "But I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?"

The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle...

And you're pissing on my shoe!"

Kosher Underwear
Exodus 28:42:

"And you shall make for Aaron your brother and for his sons linen
undergarments to cover their nakedness; they shall reach from the waist to
the thighs."

            There you have it, straight from Moses.
                 The only Kosher underwear are:

                         BOXER SHORTS!

Rachel comes home and says to her husband, "Abe, I have just been to the Doctor. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that I have an unpleasant heart condition and I have only 6 months to live. The good news is that during these 6 months I am going to be happy, I am going to live life to the full, I am going to enjoy myself!"

"Of course my dear, whatever you want you can have..."

"I would like to have my portrait painted, so you will remember me as all happy."

"Of course my dear," and Abe commissions an artist.

As Rachel is sitting for the portrait, she says to the artist, "Excuse me please. Can I have a look? ... Yes, very nice. Only... on my ears put earrings - emeralds with little diamonds."

The artist continues painting when she asks to have another look. "Hmmm, very nice. Around my neck put a necklace - turquoises with pearls ... Ah, yes, and put rings on my left hand fingers, to go with my earrings."

Paint, paint, paint.

She has another look and says, "It is very good. I would like you to paint me with my right hand touching my left shoulder, and put a bracelet with a big topaz in the centre with lots of little diamonds all around."

Finally the portrait is finished and she takes it home.

"There you are Abe, look! How do you like it?"

"Oh! It is beautiful! But... what is mit all this jewellery? You never had this jewellery..."

"I know, Abe, I know. But after I die a year will go by, maybe two, and you will get married again. And when you do, I want her to have plenty aggravation looking for it."

Yiddish Proverb: When the prick stands, the brains get buried in the ground.

Rachel rings the Jewish Chronicle and asks to place an obituary for her recently deceased husband, "What I want it to say is 'Itzic Weiss is dead. It is with great...'."

Before she can finish she gets interrupted. "Excuse me Madam, but I think that you should know that our charges are £1 a word."

"Oy vey... I see." She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, just put 'Itzic Weiss is dead'."

The paper's editor feels bad about the impact their charges have made on her and feels guilty about the way he had phrased it. So to make up for it, he tells her that there is a special offer on at the moment of 7 words for price of 4."

She pauses and reflects again. Then a moment later she says, "In that case put 'Itzic Weiss died: Schmutter Business For Sale."

Two pigs were talking and one said to the other, "Wouldn't this be a great world if everyone was kosher?"

Michael Bader, a well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst and a member of the Board of Trustees of Beyt Tikkun Synagogue (and frequently published author in the pages of TIKKUN) has brought the following question to our community, and hopes that its best Talmudic scholars might think more about it:

Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat?

There are two differing schools of thought on whether you can take Viagra on Shabbat:

Beit Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violates the infraction of erecting a structure("boneh").

Beit Hillel says do not read it as "boneh" but as "boner", and permits the ingestion of Viagra before sundown so long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than one half hour to complete, the kids are asleep, and your wife doesn't have a headache.

And what bracha does one say before taking the Viagra pill?

There is a choice of four blessings:

1. Borei p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the fruit of the tree;

2. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - straightens those who are bent;

3. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come;

4. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - raises the dead.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Here is a little follow up to the above...

Yes, the anti-impotence drug has been found to contain a tiny amount of animal matter, rendering it - one would think - treif.

But, Rabbi Abraham Blumenkrantz, an American Kashrut expert, says that, as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. But it is banned during Pesach - along with all other agents causing things to rise.

A Jewish Curse: May your teeth get angry and chew off your head.

Whilst on business in Dublin, Itzic sees a sign saying "Cohen & O'Brien Kosher Restaurant". So he goes in and orders a meal.

Half way through it he calls the waiter, "Are you sure what I am eating IS kosher?"

"Well, you've been eating it... Should you worry?"