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We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.

The tax would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?" Or be a teenager and come home to your dad with your tax bill in his hand.

We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns. Locker room conversations would change... "Get a load of this tax bill!"

The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee.  And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."

I went to my podiatrist to have a bunion removed. When the treatment ended, I asked if another appointment would be necessary. He said, "No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back."

A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost..."

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put 50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" 

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the 50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."  

I repeatedly hear that pornography is difficult, if not impossible, to define.

Nonsense, it defines itself. Nothing could be easier.

No need to wonder about the difference between "hard core" and "soft core" pornography.

The simple difference is, "Soft core" pornography is that which gives one a soft-on.

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him 5000 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man 10000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man 20000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer.

The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good."

When politicians get the flu, you never know which way they're going to vote.

Sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the nose.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.

Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.

As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

The next morning as he was leaving, she asked, "Would you like to join me for dinner another time?"

The man answered immediately, "Yes, I'd love to. How about tomorrow?"

She was delighted and replied, "OK. I'll keep my eye out for you."


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Last Updated - 07 June 2006